Twelve: Fifty One

Friday

2009-05-29T05:55:21Z

it’s been over 6 months. Time to start in a band. Run away. Run far away. And never return.

muffywuffy @ 2008-11-10T01:20:00

2008-11-09T14:21:35Z

I brought it up on Sunday. Now it's Monday by 1 hour and 20 minutes.
somethings changed. I've finished my paintings.

muffywuffy @ 2008-11-06T21:54:00

2008-11-06T11:02:37Z

two posts within a week of each other is a sure sign that my head is racing but i'm restraining from doing something rash.

Can you love something enough to leave it? yes.
Are you leaving to make it easier? yes.
Following this thought process are you just being lazy about it? yes.
So what are you worried about?
what happened to the yes/no questions?
Are there any yes/no questions left in the world? Yes.
Phew, the world is one again.

I'll talk about it on ~~sunday~~ ~~monday~~ wednesday in two weeks when all my exams are out of the way and when i'm thinking straight.

internal changes at the workplace brought about by external factors

2008-11-01T13:18:18Z

auto-saved draft:
"I lost what i wrote the other day. But that is not unusual. Usually I am the one that falls asleep on the keyboard only to wake up and see that i've drooled over the "L" and had my right ear resting on the "backspace" button.
I don't mind that its gone. Mainly because i know the grammar was probably extremely bad, and that i was probably using a whole heap of fancy words to make my vocab appear the size of, well, something very big."

I don't really drink anymore. i don't really think anymore. the former should be more important. but screw it, its the latter i care about.

one day i'm going to leave this username and password in some convenient place for someone to pick up. that or i'll delete it all. so that i can finally realise that it is just a sulking account of my highschool life mixed with some post-highschool confessions. And that the day i move on from being that sulking person will be the day i quit Macquarie Bank to join an electro band and make income by tutoring students in maths and physics.

dont get me wrong. i enjoy my life. i enjoy it as much as the wicked witch wants to shove hansel and gretel into the oven and eat them.

alcohol does have a gender.

muffywuffy @ 2008-07-29T21:28:00

2008-07-29T11:30:03Z

it's not being touched by God. It might feel like it but don't turn all religious on me. As beautiful as everything seems in those moments don't loose track of reality.

By all means keep up the awesome sky gazing, i really truly understand where you are coming from, but at the end of the day, when other people don't see it in the same way that we see it, it will frustrate you that you can't share the experience.

I used to love this feeling, but to appreciate the small things is to escape from social norms. When you go to interact with other people everyone these days wants big and grand forms of beauty. It's very hard to interact on a level of appreciating small things. It's your own description and no-one can argue that.

Put in an example; in all honesty people think you weird when you'd prefer to spend 2 hours talking about the colour of the sky rather than someones latest opinion of the US election. The truth is we are born with more intelligence to merely talk about 'the sky'. We've been given the ability to have complex conversations about society and the world. If we focus on the small things it's almost as if we're being selfish to the world of all the things history has taught us in terms of intellectual development.

We didn't sit through 12 years of schooling to be able to loose ourselves in someones smile. We sat through 12 years of schooling to analyse the smile, what it means, to place it in a social context, and to come to the conclusion that they are probably smiling because they think barac obama is only going to win the election because he is black, and incredibly good looking. We can then tell the story of the person smiling to someone else. But we don't say 'i saw this person smiling today' we elaborate to make it into a story that relates to something more substantial.

If people let me i would spend hours on end talking about all the facial expressions that i passed through the street today. But people don't share my fascination with that. And in order to talk to people i find myself talking to people about what THEY want to talk about. Its a toss up between seeing the enthusiasm in people talking about what they find interesting, or trying to express a beautiful moment you experienced. Chances are it is easier to listen, than to express the beauty of a smile, to someone who fails to see it without prompting.

You're lucky you can see and appreciate these things. But don't expect others to feel the same way or it may disappoint you. I've been told there is a certain drug (no i have not and don't expect myself to try it) that does this to people. That lets them concentrate on the smallest things in life. They say that when it wears off after a few hours everything around them seems so much of a rush, and 'some' people say that they start to dislike what is in the 'real world'.

In a way this is a kind of scary thought. That there is a drug to make you feel like this. It kind of makes the focus of 'appreciating the small things' a state of mind that you can loose yourself in.

Just be wary of this. Try not to loose yourself in the beauty of 'the world' or you may as you say 'breakdown and cry under its power'.

thursday

2008-06-26T12:14:56Z

yesterday was WONDERFUL. Today was FANTASTIC. There's no reason why tomorrow can't be just as great

muffywuffy @ 2008-04-19T23:53:00

2008-04-19T14:05:11Z

lets pack last week away in a box. the end.

unless that's not what someone wants...

haha i shouldn't be laughing, but i am

tuesday

2007-11-06T10:21:03Z

after i post this i am going to sleep.
i've finished exams and am now stuck at home thinking of the many places this summer that i can wear my pretty yellow dress which i bought just because it was yellow and yellow makes me happy.
haha, its funny that you can actually put a price on sleep.
but work looks so inviting when travel guides arrive in the mail.

wednesday

2007-09-19T07:18:45Z

haha. oh livejounral haven't visited you in too long. facebook has taken over. apologies
this weather is fantastic and i should probably go to work on saturday instead of canceling it so i can sleep in...
yay to spending money and talks about being sneaky, and finding drunken posts that i forgot i had written. everything just makes upcoming exams and essays seem so insignificant.

anyone up for excessive trips to the beach this spring/summer?

muffywuffy @ 2007-08-25T01:05:00

2007-08-24T15:05:51Z

i ,lve a boy called alex and never let me forget that

thank you livejournal
i love you too

nearly as much'

thursday

2007-06-14T01:59:18Z

either facebook has taken over my internet life, or i now have a life!
hmm.. yeah... it's the facebook option
my phone randomly beeped last night and then i saw the date and thought 'this date looks familiar' and went back to sleep. but it was too cold to sleep and i knew there was something important about today. so i got up to check my uni diary incase anything was due. but it wasn't so i tried sleeping again. but it was cold. so i thought *shock horror* and yeah, it was only leans bday. pfffffttt. so happy bday lean.

+ went trapezing. scored a hungover goal in hockey. got more classes. ate good food. watched silly movies. bought clothes. started walking to uni! learnt when to keep my mouth shut and when not to. went dancing. played with my new love, steinberg, garrrrh! talk about easy to manage programs its like 'piano here drums there TRUMPETS WHERES THE BEATER BAG' all over again.
- got too sick. became too lazy. forgot too much. cancelled too many classes. left [and still leaving] things till the last minute. dropped my guard. just ate all my dads prinlges.

had the best dream the other night. as in totally bizzare. good bizarre. mad and satu we were so close to meeting up with you and were even kinda heading in the direction of the cross until i figured i really needed to pee. AND MACCAS DIDNT HAVE A TOILET. ended up going all the way to townhall and seeing the bus pull in [last for the night] but there were quite a few rowdy drunken people in the line that would mean the bus would stay there for at least 5 mins so i went to pee... but you know how the toilets at the QVB have a million and one sliding doors so you never now where the exit is? i got lost! and i didn't have my phone on me. and i was trying every door to see if it was the exit and kinda forgot about the bus because it was kinda fun. so eventually i find the exit and see line to have only two people left in it. anyway, it was a double sized bus. haha. i found this hilarious. but its not sounding too funny right now. so i will stop. its too hard to meet in the city. lazer tag day?!?! where has this disappeared to?!

tuesday

2007-04-17T15:52:47Z

could not have opened better than with can't stop

suck my kiss to give it away to by the way to incy-wincy spider.
to think i wanted to give this up for rest and recovery time.
i don't care if i can't talk in my presentation tomorrow.
mad nearly had me convinced that "trumpet faces" are just as significant as "guitar faces".
and everything just seemed right,
even if it was the coffee and codrols talking.

sometimes things just happen. if you can't forget it, it can at least be forgiven.
and silence is a nice time to pretend.

sunday

2007-03-18T14:40:48Z

never watch "Requiem for a Dream" for the first time, when you are not in the greatest of moods.
it has strange unexplainable side effects.

i finally deleted all those sentimental messages in my phone inbox... including one from lean in 2004 telling me she was bored in modern history. i've also changed unwanted phone numbers to weird-arsed names so that when i am drunk and disorderly i don't remember what i saved their number under and thus won't be able to call them.
so that is ok.
i have money for reasons that i shouldn't,
but so do many people
so that is ok.
i made 3 children cry today
i didn't apologize to their parents. the children deserved it.
so that is ok.
i could write this next thing,
but it sounds corny and isn't something that needs to be written for me to remember
so that is ok.
i never know how to respond to "wassup?"
but i at least don't use the line "the sky"
so that is ok.

..........................................
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
|emoemoemoemoemoemoemoemo|
...........................................

i like ikea.
i also like freedom furniture.
think outside the square you live in.

muffywuffy @ 2007-01-18T23:01:00

2007-01-18T12:29:35Z

bondi
coogee
narrabeen
freshwater

4 consecutive days of sand-filled-cars and beach-hair and sunscreen and wondering why i've learnt the backstreets of sydney instead of going out to discover the world.

347 days to go.
347 days to come.
however you put it, there's something about this year that doesn't quite sit into place. i'm taking down my "wall", starting with the easter show ticket from 2002, and hoping to finish this task before the last week of 2007. every new year this has been one of my resolutions. every year i only get more attatched.

post nye party at mine on the 30th Jan. see you all then.

muffywuffy @ 2006-12-12T13:37:00

2006-12-12T14:37:35Z

you are freaking hilarious my firend
remeber that you are a bastard child and that you don't deserve anyhtign more
mever move
never think
never dream and the whorld will love you
at least uni people will dissolusionally love you
as will stupid srazy peple
but not in the way that you first thought possible
some lyrics of inappropriate language
and something or other abotu hating the owlr and how the guy is never worth tha pain
only for the family
marry me music and be my boyfiredn

friday

2006-12-08T17:50:59Z

i have never had so many people applaude my singing before. i swear i would have recieved a real standing ovation had the bus not alreayd been packed with too many standing people
i've got a bus. i've got a big back shiny bus was inspired by the shitty driver who stopped up for a good 30mins whilst talking to the cops and trying to kick people off the bus for banging on the door when the bus was at a red light and demanding that they be let on. seeing as this was the last bus home towards castle hill i see it as only fair that the people behind us began a massive "what about me, it isn't fair, i've had enough now i want my share" along with the obvious "start the fucking bus".
sophi i saw you there! finally! hahaha. yayyyyyy.
and dave saved me from being hit by a taxi.
the lady on the bus told me to organise a christmas party and i got excited. like big kev. but even more.
things really don't live up to expectations the second time around.
and then theres the first time round moments
that you can either be smart and avoid
or spoil in a stupid moment
or have that perfect moment only to be ruined by something/someone else

but nothing is perfect
and i still thought
and it's not the same
just like brazil. not like Mr M.
but there was that strange feeling.

perhaps that was just me remembering i'd eaten chocolate fondue, chicken, steak, octopus, pasta and nachos and sculled a finger of beer just to prove to kieren [whos name i changed in my phone to 'special k' and took me far too long to find it and message him that i am witty and that his pick up lines are seedy and phone is gh3y] and pete uni/strokes that i am their third wheel. but for once this is a good thrid wheel. perhaps its more like a fourth, due to their patting friend. or a 5th or 6th due to the girls not being there. but yes. the beer was drunk. a whole centimeter... centimetre? american? myeah. as long as its not bloody canadian.

i refused free alcohol. so was this because i am mature and know my limit? or that quality time is better spent not smashed off your face? whatever happens, if tonight was a "pick a path" book, i would have closed it and taken a different path that would have... no. i take that back. they all lived happily ever after for the night.

thursday

2006-10-18T19:11:25Z

for goodness sake! i should be nursing a hangover by now, not trying to make my printer work!

to mark this momentous occasion, what better to do than LJ post. tonight/today has been the first all-nighter i have EVER pulled in relation to study. it feels strange to think i'm about to go to sleep for an hour in order to do more study and it already looks like 9am outside.... bloody hell. the kookaburras have just started

tuesday

2006-10-10T11:25:10Z

all i needed
was some sleep
to see that you are not in my dreams
that the snooze button
is my final, broken
lust/envy relationship of musical motivation

all i needed
was colour,
to see that we are black and white
and that nothing can move beyond a postmodern pastiche
of red and blue
attempting to make green

all i needed
was a game of Mahjong to teach me;
"pong" can be a positive remark
patience is a virtue
and that i don't function to play without cheating

in order to read something you have to interprut a sentence out loud [internally at least] therefore; the faster you can naturally talk, the faster you can apparently revise things to yourself [ie through speed reading] increasing your short term memory. this made sense when i read it, but unfortunatly is confusing me right now. so technically, in order to cram, i should just practice socialising so that i can increase my words per min, then increasing my short term cramming memory. yes? no. dang to throwing easy marks down the drain.

monday

2006-10-02T15:14:23Z

what is happening to the world?

it all started that day in year 4, overhearing a private converstaion in my ugly brown uniform and 90's flap hat, with a grazed knee from playing pacman on the netball courts, a squashed piece of fruit at the bottom of my bag, a mother that was in a rush to get home, thinking of HDA [hopes dreams ambitions], walking past the school oval and over to BP to get a lemonade, lime and rasberry slurpee before heading home... they'd run out of lemonade and lime that day, so i had to get cola instead. i should have taken that as a sign

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh nor more;
Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never;
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

-Sing willow, willow, willow:
Singing
Sing willow, willow, willow;
Singing
Sing all a green willow must be my garland.
--Hark! who is't that knocks?

-It's the wind.

classic.
it's times like this that i love shakespeare.

thursday

2006-09-21T14:04:06Z

All my essays come back saying... lacks structure. Maybe i should stop with the LJ posting, and get rid of the convinience of keeping extra ideas under linked pages. two 'of's that i don't know how to get rid of... haha. look. another of! and to think, i want to tutor english.
i got out of bed and put on the clothes that were on the back of my chair. of course this is the day i run into pretty people with comments from "you look tired... you seem stressed" to "what is your excuse for not going out". should have gone to play drunken ping pong... SHOULD have gone. now i am busy procrastinating from an exam that i really do deserve to fail. i blame YOU *points to evil lady* and secondly i blame YOU *points to PSYCH that manages to screw everything up* and thirdly i blame YOU *points to printer* and fourthly i blame YOU *points to person who thought i had a pet kangaroo named hopper* but you are hilarious, so i will un-blame you now.

with a PSYCH lecture cancelled due to a firealarm that couldn't be stoppped until the brigade got there [someone took photos of the truck when it arrived. they looked strange] headed over to watch people drink beer whilst teaching a fellow napolean dynamite fan how to aquire "paper crane making" skills as well as "num chuck" skills [yes he actually owns numb chucks]. conclusion being that i have no "teaching people how to make paper crane" skills, and he has excellent "crap paper crane making" skills.

satu is my hero because she writes what i can't say. i would love to tell her that the feeling of compulsion to move will go away. but it won't. next time you come over, bring a big card board box and i promise we will make an aeroplane, like they do on play-school, and pretend to fly away to a place of hot hot people [mmm george clooney... he's so perfect], beautiful beaches and playdough. who here doesn't love playdough. need sleep, am not prepared. i tried to allot shares but ended up accounting for a mixture between a debenture and depreciation expense. YUM.

TUESDAY

2006-09-19T11:21:39Z

my sister suggested something very clever the other day.
i blame snotty nosed pretencious people for my readings not being done this week. the only thing i'm anal enough to care about with my studies and instead i find myself serving tea and coffee for one morning, three afternoons and three long nights in a row, to a woman that has no concept of noramility and respect.

train trips today were strange. walked past curlyharied goldilocks boy who i used to work with. sat oppostite my dad's family friend. the girl whos pretty bag i had admired in the morning turned out to be a friend of jen's [tangent... when combining my lack of memory with Jens complicated meeting plans the resultant is a million and one missed calls and a few thousand messages. i swear we were in the radius of at most 200m and it took us at least 20mins to find each other] who caught the train home with us. i told her this. i hope she doesn't think i am a stalker. tlucy and bf were at the station. public transport was abnormally crowded today. must have been due to INTERNATIONAL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY. this really seemed to take off at uni. eg the guy that dressed up and was walking round with a massive parrot for the entire day.

HGHS shannon managed to summarise an entire semester for me in 5 minutes so i am hoping my wasted day of 'failed attempts to finish PSYCH' will equal out with less time need to cram for mid sem.

I skipped my lecture today as someone had offered to serenade me with the sweet sounds of accounting notes in the bright sunshine. free BBQ's that people let you take over are also good. as is eating free BBQ then remembering you were supposed to wait for someone. luckily lunch was postponed for talk of criminal injustice and dogs who are forced to wear minature hoodies. 'i just left john's bong in the garage for him, i didn't want it to get broken'. this is all too strange

be excited for my birthday!

MONDAY

2006-09-11T08:06:12Z

i've forgotten to update on the random stories that bored people on public transport have told me. the last one consistented of a little old lady at a busstop outside a sientology clinic in the city. they were offereing free emotional readings and IQ tests. i was tempted, but was running late as it was. so the lady? i helped her put her bags on the seat and then she gives me her life story of grocery shopping. it went something along the lines of:
lady: "this isn't my busstop"
"um"
"so i suppose you're wondering why i'm here"
"...."
"well my shopping is quite heavy and the other busstop is so far away. should i walk there?"
"it looks like it might rain"
"but the morning air is nice to walk in, and once i get home i'm going to eat all this food"
"it looks like you've just bought vegies" [yes, i was checking out her shopping]
"yes; but even too much of a good thing can be a bad thing"
"but they're vegies"
"as i said dear...."
"but they're vegies"
"and pizza is just pizza..."
"you've finished your shopping early this morning" [it was around 8:30]
"there's nothing better than grocery shopping in the morning..."
and then she went on a tangent about the different times when she'd forgotten to go shopping and had ended up with nothing in the house and just gone down the road for takeaway. and something about her dog which i didn't really understand. after having a rant to herself she must have decided against being lazy, and got up to walk to the other busstop after saying "enjoy your day love, and thank you for the advice". what advice... i am not sure of

the funny thing was she didn't even look like one of those typical strange people in the city.

the people in my INFS group laughed at me when they realised i kinda knew a bit too much about html than i look like i might. i am a techy tom-boy. but to make it better, in the words of becca, yay to
the macq law revue was lovely, thanks to lauras chicken suit and sexy sol. jen and i couldn't stop talking. it was exactly like our tuesday psyche lectures that involve 'ooh'ing and 'aahhh'ing too loudly. My mum told me the other day that i change very quickly between subjects and say a lot of random facts. This gets me to think of awkward things that have been avoided for over a week now.
ben folds was hilarious. inculding the story that his dad told him about why girls pee quieter than boys. can't compare it to his last show at all. the fact that we ended up sitting right infront of my mum and sister was freakishly bizarre. convincing my sister that ben handed us the set list [as opposed to just asking the sound people for it] is quite entertaining. the silly thing rung up her friend about it, and once she hung up she was cut that we hadn't even seen ben let alone exchanged a tattered piece of paper with him. first time in ages that i've been able to fall asleep on the way home from something whilst in the car with my mum and my sister rabbiting on about goodness knows what.
and then there was the friday night inbetween. YUM. being hurried out the house by a boy that tells you, "you look fine" when in actual fact your mascara is blotchy and your eyeliner is uneven, make photos a painful experience. looking for batteries, tangos with the flower center-peice, sharing noodles, MANASI AND NAMESH, 3 course meals and waitor [called julie] who will offer to refill as soon as you even touch your lips to the rim of the glass, afters ,lost phones, running into old friends [nb. sexy sexy zander] that you know you must have embarrassed yourself infront of, missing the inaugral 'kabab run' of the morning, breaking my eyeliner in attempt to write on peoples' arms [why are there never any pens!? blame Canada ;)], then i woke up and remembered the bus trip...
work the next morning was an equally interesting experience

positive that tomorrow it is all going to go downhill. but for now... haha. good times. great classic hits. and i thought it couldn't get worse than com camp :D

TUESDAY

2006-09-05T14:16:37Z

in memory of steve erwin, here's to remembering all the good things that far outwiegh the crappy, good-for-nothing, shitty shitty, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad days that we can never really seem to ever get out of our heads

shopping *salivates*
i don't normally get like this, but i've been looking for a blue and red dress JUST LIKE THIS for so long. and now i am happy. even if i did by it on fathers day whilst my dad waited for me to try it on and prance around the shop getting all excited... and even if it means that i might have to skip uni on thursday due to having no cash to even get the bus with. haven't drawn money out the atm in ages. yay to attempting to remember my pin which i can never remember.

group assignments completed and main assessments semi-under control, my massive life decision now remains to: pick between wearing a bare-back cocktail green dress that i bought in the sales and feeling that getting a little tipsy may be a lot safer/more fun if it is worn, as i have no problems with boobs falling out as i have no boobs... or my year 10 formal dress that i have only worn once and have never really had a chance to wear again. it is brown. and long. and formal. and brown. and sequiny. did i mention brown?

Becca was being too nice to her INFS partner who wasn't doing anything, so i yelled at Becca's partner for her. and then she said "thank you pretty girl" for helping them out with html. i don't think her english was very good

our lecturer gave us an english lesson today about the different synonyms for "arrogant". i don't think he enjoyed lecturing us. the guy that i bumped into at the RSL last week was at one of my lectures today. He waved. I still have no idea how or where i met him. The crazy stalker girl [who is actually really nice, just a bit stalkerish] that has been telling me her life story everyweek is no longer stalkerish. i finally realised this when she followed me all the way to my tute. and walked in with me. and sat down next to me. and told me she'd skipped this tute for the past 2 weeks. i must have met her when i was sick and dilusional because i don't recollect telling her, at the most, even my name.

saw "tiger boy" but didn't have time to stop and chat. again, was blushing for the next 30mins.
so many pretty girls who can pull off wearing summer dresses at uni. yay for excuses to pull away from the computer and get myself some nice tan! haha, nearly forgot about the guy in the library. Waiting to line up for a free computer and i was bagging out the little asian guy in our group for being such a clever nerdy nerd computer wizz. and the other girl in our group was agreeing with me, so we're talking about how nice it would be if they had the computer labs outside in the fresh air with a nice breeze. and the little asain kid is whinging about how it's too cold outside and too hot inside. but as he is in our group, and our group is cool we continue disrupting the area we are in and laugh at the asain guy. then the guy standing behind us random says "you know they can't actually have computer labs outside. but it would be nice, wouldn't it." and he says it in this wierd dreamy sort of voice, then stares off into the distance. so we just smile nicely at him and then he points to tell us there is a computer free.

work is mighty mighty fine. Make up lessons mean i get to play games with the kids and not feel bad about it. i like to think of it as the usefulness of "sleeping lions" but in the water. you know, those games that involve high concentration so that the kids don't realise they're doing something they don't want to do? yesterday we played "robots"; kids attempting to kick on their backs with thier arms in the air. it is practically impossible unless you have flippers on. so i spent most of the time yelling "kick kick kick" and reminising about back in the days when my old coach judy who used to yell "breathe... bubble". even funnier is when the parents laugh at their kids and you're thinking, me and semi-unproductive lesson=1 cranky kids that don't want to swim=0.

muffywuffy @ 2006-08-27T01:12:00

2006-08-26T15:29:01Z

procrastinating from uni work makes you do the strangest things [that get you in trouble] involving:
last minute plans that over take sleep and essays and sleep. did i mention sleep?
i slept so well last night, DESPITES the fact that i knew as i dreamt of triganometry [yes i have strange dreams these days] i was losing a bet with self-esteem threating type features. and the main reason i was losing this bet [besides the fact i'm not entirly sure how to spell 'losing'] was because i was stupid enough to be a mature friend. hate is a strong word. vodka orange is a weak drink. i like to think i'm in the middle. kinda like if you ever attempt surfing, and then you finally stand up. but it's kinda hard to intertwine the concept of "standing up" with having your arse stuck out and flaling your arms from side to side trying to balance. not exactly telling a "lie" more like being unsubtle and using inverted commas around everything you say.
now. to footnoting. i still can't download endnote and i swear i am not even tipsy but find writing this a little difficult.

i just had a converstation along the lines of "blah blah blah why didn't you call"
*then i said something*
"murmer murmer"
*then i went to do my bibliography*
*door closes... house bound may now mean more than being sick and puking*

red eyes and tears no more for you my love i fear - BRMC. scott dear, i am as obsessed as i am with moby. work in 7 hours.

the end.

TUESDAY

2006-08-22T14:02:20Z

random messages from people that don't understand how much they have brightened my day.
being upset and having friends sitting 5m away from me message "we love you".
people waiting for you to walk you to your next lecture, even when your with other people because they know you want them there.
thinking about skipping a lecture but bumping into people along the way meaning practically missing the lecture even when you WHERE on your way to it.
messages telling you that they'll be looking out for you at the next lecture incase you are better and will be here this week
realising the reason boys aren't talking to you is because they think you are avoiding them rather than the fact that you've actually been sick. [not that i wasn't avoiding them, but its nice to think people are thinking of you!].
crushes on boys who wink and call you "tiger" after being incredible dicks to you
people who apoligise for not being able to contact you and who go out their way to get the group together and explain to you what they have done whilst you've been gone/ other people who you have only known for a week that wait an hour for you to finish lectures so that they can sit you down and explain that they've gone out their way to help me with my part of an assignement.
people you have not seen since first meeting in march, and shake your hand, pat you on the back and treat you like an old friend, on top of remembering everything you told them when you did meet.
invitations to come and eat gourmet free food with people.
promises of intellectual chats asap that are guaranteed to be kept.
people who explain that random spouts of intellegence save me from appearing as a straight arts student from the way i normally act and dress.
asking for napkins and having people search the storeroom only to emerge 5 minutes later with paper towel
roderick. [he is great and gets his own point]
kate. [she is also great and gets her own point]
randoms in the library who see you sitting on the floor and tell you that there's a seat free down the back
bands and fans and friends and lovers

i got to the station this morning and felt like breaking down. all these couples sitting along the station. lying in each others arms. in their "i just got up" clothes. sheltering from the sun as it is so beautiful and bright that their "its just turned spring and i've just woken up" eyes weren't quite ready to adjust to it. i didn't want to listen to my shuffle because i knew that if i were to hear a certain song it would make me cry. last thursday the first thought, if something were to have gone wrong, was that i didn't give a damn if everything just ended there and then. but nothing went wrong and nothing came close to ending but the pain. i learnt about cause and effect this week. if it had happened this week i think i'd cry of jealously, kick, scream and fight as the last thing i ever did before being forced towards the light. jealously keeps me going

but music is my boyfriend